Some evil god or goddess has placed a timer in my brain which causes me to awaken every damned morning at 6 A.M., whether I want to or not. The first few days I was willing to put it down to freaky coincidence, but now it's really starting to get annoying. And if it's possible to transmogrify into a pig for a day, I think I just did. Adding up everything I've eaten today, I'd say it's been about 3,800 calories, almost 80 grams of protien, and I don't even wanna think about cholesterol. As the direct decendent of a twig I need every molecule I can get, but this kind of gorging is unprecedented. And I'm not even done yet! I still have to sit through The Daily Show.

Conquering the world is a bit tougher than I expected. Just as I declared war on Greece, Egypt came across the border and royally whooped up on my arse. Germany got my back, but then Russia and Babylon allied with Egypt and now I'm totally hosed. Have I mentioned this already? The combat system in Civ3 makes me want to choke something small and helpless.

"Ring a ring a rosie as the light declines... I remember Dublin city in the rare o' times..." Flogging Molly is like a force of nature, except instead of inexerably destroying the works of Men, they inexerably cause people to dance and bob their heads about in a goofy manner. Unless you hate life and all things good, you can't not have fun listening to them.

"Believing... that religion is a matter which lies solely between man and his God, that he owes account to none other for his faith or his worship, that the legislative powers of government reach actions only, and not opinions, I contemplate with sovereign reverence that act of the whole American people which declared that their legislature should 'make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof,' thus building a wall of separation between church and state." - Thomas Jefferson, 1802

I hadn't known the origins of that much used term until recently, but I think it should serve as an example to all the extremists in our country. A man such as Jefferson, with deep religious convictions, could easily see the consequences of the State endorsing any one religion over the other. Of course, it's a good bet that he was more intelligent than any five modern Fundamentalist pundits put together, but it's always nice to know that our founding fathers really did want us to be free in the truest sense of the word.

Yeah, that last post is an absolutely true story. This dude wanted to protest the war in Iraq, so he got himself a chain and he secured himself to a government building. Then he put up a sign saying "Reduce Deficits" and broke out a harmonica. Trouble is, he had actually chained himself to the below-sidewalk level back entrance of a non-profit agricultural charity. It was 18 whole hours before anyone else even saw him.

He'd left the keys to the locks in his van, of course. During the interview - actually, within the first ten seconds - it became quite apparent that not only is he not the brightest bulb in the Sav-A-Lot Pack, but the filament isn't even there. It was really rather stunning to be confronted with proof that at least one product of our national education system concluded 12 years of classroom instruction without once learning who Rosa Parks was.

This evening's pilgrimage to the local Freaky Video Store was a massive failure on all levels. Tak and I expected a large selection from which to purchase, but it was all mainly rentals. I kinda sorta regret not buying the "Boom Stick" edition of Army of Darkness, but I can probably find that online somewhere... hey, just like that. Some old guy at the local Food Mart did complement us on our shirts - Tak in a Betty Paige number and myself sporting Bob Ross. Then we passed an 80 year old man on the way out who was wearing a t-shirt covered in a colage of B&W James Dean photos, so the evening wasn't a total loss.

Oh, and I want a new iPod very, very, very badly. Badly enough to do something incredibly stupid to get one? We'll see...

I wanted to slip this one in real quick before it escaped my not-so-great memory:

"So, would you say you're the Rosa Parks of chaining yourself to the wrong building?"

"I'm sorry, I don't know who Rosa Parks is."

-The Daily Show interview with hippy war protester.

The building which acts as a surrogate parent to our Submarine is trying to get us hooked up with wireless 'net access. Actually, they've been trying for two entire years, and from what I hear spent an apochryphal amount of money on an iffy microwave setup. How does $10,000 sound, to span a distance of at most 100 yards? Outdoors. Line-of-sight.

The proper equipment for a superior, multi-directional 802.11g WiFi setup might, might have cost $1,000 with all the bells and whistles attached. But they had purchased the antennas and gear a long time ago, and just hadn't quite gotten around to actually installing it. Welcome to Corporate Thinking.

Today was another damned fine day to be anywhere but work. And I'm trying, like some kind of monster Sucker, to spend even more time down there so that my bank account will begin to swell instead of contract. I discovered tonight that I am pathetically out of shape, and Daniel-Son tells me that I need a hell of a lot more protien in my diet if I'm to gain any weight this season. Perhaps that should be tomorrow's agenda - a real diet plan.

In the course of a conversation with Tak we came up with the idea for a People Zapper. It would be a steel cage the size of a phone booth, open on two sides, and equipped with blue lighting and some form of human attractor - shiny buttons that say DO NOT TOUCH, or else nudy pictures. Upon entering the cage our Person would be Zapped into non-existance by 2 Jiggawatts of electricity, enough to turn even the portliest porker into smelly ash. Large underground capacitors would be tied to a series of lightning rods, so you have only to wait for the first decent storm of the season. I had soooooo much fun picturing this idea in action that I might have to draw up schematics. If any of you vipers beats me to the patent office, I'll rip your spine out and use it to floss my teeth.

What a freaking gorgeous day. Here in Anytown there is woodland, there are hills, there are rivers, and on occasion, a clear blue sky that almost hurts to look at and a constant zephyr that keeps your core temperature nice and balanced but lets you feel the warmth of the sun on your neck.

Secret Message: Have fun camping, Eyelids! Reconnect with nature.

Summertime, and the living's easy... thank you iTunes, it's been a while since I heard this one. Sublime.

Superb, that's another s-u word that people don't use nearly enough. Every time I think of it, I make a resolution to use it in some everyday conversation. My laptop Pallas could best be described as Superb. Tomorrow - the video store, or else House of 1,000 Corpses with Tak. After this and Jackass, you owe me The Quiet American, girl.

Oh, and not that it was particularly burdensome, but school's out for summer. Yippie Kay Ay, Mamma Jamma. The Great Buildup of muscle mass and funding begins now. For general knowledge, writing is almost always more interesting when you're sleep deprived. I think I'm going to try that out tomorrow.

Well, now I must give a shout out to Aloris, because she has shouted me out. Although this blows a bit of my supersecret online cover identity, I feel that the risk is acceptable.

Being a Nerd, I have a few gripes with the combat system in Civilization 3. But, since this game is sort of ancient news, there's no real point in posting them. And now, if you'll excuse me, I've a world to take over...

Two points. On occasion, almost exclusively in the case of news programming, ABC does something good. John Stossel is high-larious, and this special that just aired is a great big mirror for America. "Look here, you fat, selfish, lazy dumbasses! This Is You!" Old John's interview skills are kind of jarring, but the whole special is basically him saying that we, as Americans, do indeed have the power to control these impulses towards obesity and addiction that we treat as diseases. Someone will tell him, "I couldn't control myself." And he'll say, incredulously, "Yes, you could." And they will say "Uh, ah..."

Second Point. In the April 14th edition of Time Magazine, in the Notebook section under "Cheerleading For the Budget," appeared the following quote: "Asked if the President still hoped to get his tax cut passed in full, a senior Administration official replied confidently, 'Fifty miles to Baghdad.'" Apparently, there is no longer a question regarding Bush's motives for war. Anyone who can say that with a straight face is fronting for a man who cares nothing for the real consequences of his actions, but is only concerned with getting his way and doing whatever he can to ensure that he continues to get his way. This makes me ashamed to share a planet with such scum.

Today was a very bad day for the People of Earth. The Apes and the Crazies were out in full force, flinging shit at each other. In public!

Finally got out to see Bowling With Columbine, and while I'm naturally wary of any sort of media-based message that makes me want to raise my fist and rail against the Man as part of a throng of like-minded fellows, well, let's just say that afterwards I was strongly tempted to do a little fist raising. There are a few exaggerations and misrepresentations, but overall it's one of the best documentaries that I've ever seen. Definitely deserving of the Oscar, certainly worth a second look. The animated short on the History of America should have been nominated on it's own, such was it's genius.

Encourage Thought. View this film. Then feel free to agree or disagree with Moore, figure out exactly why you feel that way, and share that with your friends. It doesn't hurt. It feels good.

I have no problem with Christians. I have no problem with Jews. I have no problem with Muslims. I have no problem, really, with any form of organised religion.

I have no problem with any organisation that provides aid and comfort to the victims of War. They are doing good work and should be supported in every way.

I have a Great Big Fucking Problem with religious aid groups that try to convert the people they're helping. This is exactly what I'm talking about. Being from the highly conservative city of Colorado Springs originally, I've had plenty of experience with religious zealots trying to run the personal lives of other people. If you're really as pious as you think you are, then the act of providing aid should be reward enough. In an environment as volatile as the Middle East, where holy wars are a part of the landscape, active proselytizing should be forbidden, out of respect for their civilization as well as common human decency.

Recommended reading: Tak finally finished "Lamb: The Gospel According To Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal" by Christopher Moore, and loaned it to me. Now I'm almost finished with it, and I must say, it's brilliant. Makes theology fun again, and for an avowed Athiest, that's saying something. I think every hard-core Christian nutjob should be forced to read this, with nifty "Clockwork Orange" eyeball aids if necessary. If more people understood that the true purpose of religion is not to create distinction between men, but to destroy it, then perhaps we could all have a laugh and get over this revolting Great Satan shit.

Also, finally saw "Dr. Strangelove," and Golly, what a beautiful, brilliant peice of work. So totally relevant even today that every doomsday scenario film that's come out since Kubrick's film looks like a 13 year-old masturbating. Because it is so outrageous, as Hunter Thompson understood all too well, it is more accurate than any other kind of film could hope to be. Every person who has ever been entrusted with the use of a nuclear device should be forced to watch it, although I have a feeling that the irony of the Big Board would be lost on our current Regime.

I really think that our Dear Old Rummy is a wee bit too casual about this whole War thing. "What do you mean they aren't happy with anarchy and vandalism? We liberated them!" I wanted to kill myself every time some poor Iraqi schmoo said "Tank yu mista Bush. Jorge Bush! Hooray!" The pols will undoubtedly go Up for our goofy child-president, for the moment, but twelve months from now when there's still fighting and the Shiites and Suunis and Kurds start blowing each other up with car bombs, I hope people realise just what kind of morass we've sunk our boots into. Not to say that it can't work out, because I sincerely hope it does. But with Shrub and his Cabal in charge, there is a 99.95% chance that it won't.

And thank you, Universe, for introducing me to yet another gorgeous, intelligent, fascinating girl who would be in all respects perfect if it weren't for that pesky existing relationship thing. I mean it. Thanks.

Jesus, listen to me. Why pay for a psychologist when webranting is free?

Nothing is Safe. The Time of the Final Shit-Rain is upon us. Dear lord, I'm in a foul mood when it comes to writing anything these days. A growing sense of impotence in the face of universal idiocy is probably to blame, but now I sound like all those other idiots who complain about idiots for a living. Nothing gets accomplished that way.

Instead, we could focus on Tak's VW Jetta being crushed from behind by an SUV driver, but that's of little interest to anyone but us. How about the fact that "Dr. Strangelove" was being shown on the big screen at the Smelly Art Theater, and I couldn't go because I have to take tons of preparatory medications for a colonoscopy tomorrow? Nope, that's totally selfish and sounds like whining.

Well, I've said before that this is really just a personal journal, so I shouldn't be disappointed if no one else reads it. So there we go, from now on I'll be totally narcissistic, how's that?

Here's another story. By now I'm sure we've all heard of this Pfc. Jesse who was rescued in a "daring" raid from a POW holding station in a hospital in Iraq. Her family and everyone in the town she grew up in were relieved, and that's wonderful. Here's what one celebrator had to say:

"Everyone's just saying they are so thankful Jesse is alive and prayer has caused this to happen. I said Jesse will never know the lives she has touched, the people who possibly have even come to know prayer and the Lord because of what happened."

WTF??? Here's some more:

"This is the most God-blessed kind of story I could imagine. The churches prayed. We all prayed. Miracles do happen."

I have no problem with people praying. But what about the five other soldiers from the same company that have yet to be rescued? Is no one praying for them? If they are, then what the fuck makes these people think that prayer will change things? This self-riteousness and sick, desperate need to feel some sort of control over the situation is scary and downright degrading. God didn't rescue Jesse Lynch. Navy SEALS and Army Rangers and CIA operatives rescued Jesse Lynch. In war, some people are lucky, and some aren't. Let's get used to the idea that there isn't one good goddammed thing we can do to change what's going on, and start hoping that this all works out, somehow.

Wow, that last post was depressing. To counter it, I feel that this bit of language offers us hope and comfort, and might one day be indicitive again of the discourse in our government.

"Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances."

Sometimes, even if it was 214 years ago, they get it exactly right.

And now, as a special service to our readers, we will present to you unedited an email that was, through various channels, brought to our attention. Nothing below the following break should be construed to represent the actual opinion of Famous Historian:
________________________________________________________________________

GOD BLESS AMERICA!

There are a few things that those who have recently come to our country, and apparently some native Americans, need to understand.

First of all, it is not our responsibility to continually try not to offend you in any way. This idea of America being a multicultural community has served only to dilute our sovereignty and our national identity.

As Americans, we have our own culture, our own society, our own language, and our own lifestyle. This culture, called the "American Way" has been developed over centuries of struggles, trials, and victories by millions of men and women who have sought freedom.

Our forefathers fought, bled, and died at places such as Bunker Hill, San Juan, Iwo Jima, Normandy, Korea, Vietnam...

We speak English, not Spanish, Arabic, Chinese, Japanese, Russian, or any other language.

Therefore, if you wish to become part of our society -- learn our language!"

"In God We Trust" is our national motto. This is not some off-the-wall, Christian, Right Wing, political slogan -- it is our national motto. It is engraved in stone in the House of Representatives in our Capitol and it is printed on our currency. We adopted this motto because Christian men and women, on Christian principles, founded this nation and this is clearly documented throughout our history.

If it is appropriate for our motto to be inscribed in the halls of our highest level of Government, then it is certainly appropriate to display it on the walls of our schools.

God is in our pledge, our National Anthem, nearly every patriotic song, and in our founding documents. We honor His birth, death, and resurrection as holidays, and we turn to Him in prayer in times of crisis. If God offends you, then I suggest you consider another part of the world as your new home, because God is part of our culture and we are proud to have Him.

We are proud of our heritage and those who have so honorably defended our freedoms. We celebrate Independence Day, Memorial Day, Veterans Day, and Flag Day. We have parades, picnics, and barbecues where we proudly wave our flag.

As an American, I have the right to wave my flag, sing my national anthem, quote my national motto, and cite my pledge whenever and wherever I choose.

If the Stars and Stripes offend you, or you don't like Uncle Sam, then you should seriously consider a move to another part of this planet.

The American culture is our way of life, our heritage, and we are proud of it.

We are happy with our culture and have no desire to change, and we really don't care how you did things where you came from. Like it or not, this is our country, our land, and our lifestyle.

Our First Amendment gives every citizen the right to express his opinion about our government, culture, or society, and we will allow you every opportunity to do so. But once you are done complaining, whining, and griping about our flag, our pledge, our national motto, or our way of life, I highly encourage you take advantage of one other great American freedom:

THE RIGHT TO LEAVE!

Another thing: To those who do complain about the usage of words like 'God' and 'American' and speaking the language of our great nation, TRY GOING TO ANOTHER COUNTRY AND SPEAK AGAINST WHAT YOU DON'T LIKE. YOU WILL MORE THAN LIKELY END UP JAILED OR EVEN KILLED.

In America, you take your right to complain for granted.

The more patriotism that is removed from where our children are taught, the less our children will learn about what it is to be an American and our nation's spirit will slowly be killed.

Keep patriotism alive.

If you agree, pass this onto other Americans!

(I'M SURE YOU DO !)

It is time to take a stand!
God Bless America and our Military and Veterans!

________________________________________________________________________

I'll have a more coherent response for all this garbage tomorrow.