Today and tomorrow are National Ocean Week, and ain't it great that people get to tour our Submarine? I'm having an extreme allergic reaction to People, which is making it difficult for me to do my job. They seem extremely noisy today, for some reason, and smelly.

My religion requires me to wear the bloody skull of a freshly killed mountain lion on my face whenever I appear in public. Therefore, I should be allowed to wear one for my driver's license photo. Otherwise, it's religious discrimination.

Honestly, the ACLU has done some good things, but they also tend to promote the goofiest ideals. I'm not going to apologise for it; if you come to our country and want to live as a citizen, you're gonna have to play by the rules no matter your sensibilities.