but this must be preserved / exposed. An icy hand from the past, risen once again to remind us that nothing, really, changes in this country. It might be past the Statute anyways, I dunno, it's from a past edition of the Onion. Let's just see if anyone finds it.
To Hell with Journalistic Objectivity, Vote for George Bush, Dammit!
Onion Election Watch
by Victor Runbeck
Onion Campaign Reporter
I've been a political reporter for The Onion longer than most of its readers have been alive, and never have I compromised my duty as a journalist to further my own agenda. Until now. I simply cannot stand by any longer without voicing my fervent support for the sitting president of these United States, George Bush. Furthermore, I feel safe in assuming the majority of Americans - indeed Onion readers - agree with me.
Lend me your political scruples and let's take a look at George Bush, quite possibly the most qualifie person to lead this country who ever lived.
George Bush is a President who'll keep American women obliged to our proud Puritanical past. (Hey, I don't plan on having an abortion this year!) Now girls, no matter how you stack your blocks, having children is what you do best. Who would take care of the kids if you decided to try your hand at being a corporate attourney? Your husband? Ladies, there's not a sane man alive who would allow that to happen. A vote for George Bush is a vote for Leave It To Beaver's June Cleaver. You wouldn't see Mrs. Cleaver trotting downtown to her obstetrician for an abortion and she certainly wouldn't be pulling in bigger paychecks than Ward.
We need a President who values individual rights - as long as they ain't gay rights! OK, you're gay. Fine. Great. Sorry. You should have thought about that before you signed up for the U.S. military. Sexually harassing women isn't exactly what we teach our boys-in-uniform, but at least it's better than sending love notes across enemy trenches to the other side. And that's precisely the sort of thing gays do. Fellow Americans, this is a call to arms - a rally to reelect our President and to assure that our military is rife with brawny, masculine, thick-necked, hairy-chested, back-slapping heterosexual men.
If ever there was apolitical party that had an affinity with God allmighty, it would be the Republican party. As a matter of fact, looking out of my study right now I see Jesus Christ sitting on a cloud smiling down upon the GOP. (He's wearing a little elephant lapel on his tunic.) Seperation of Church and State is a fine idea, but when we can't make our teachers lead classroom prayer, we're no better than the Communists! A vote for George Bush is a vote for every little boy who folds his hand for the first time to murmur The Lord's prayer. Pick up your cross and vote my friends!
George Bush and the Republican Party represent everything that is right and just in the aggregate American mind. We Republicans know who we are. The Waltons, Harry S. Truman, and yes, even the blond-haired Jesus Christ is at home in our party. When our ideals no longer offer the reassurance they once did, the American people will look to the future. It's happened before. Social Security and Civil Rights were the product of a society that oculd no longer hold off change. The 21st century will produce new problems demanding new change, but I ask you, has that time come? Hell no! Hang on to the last century with all your might and vote George Bush in '92!
Scary, no? Put a W between the George and Bush in that story, and replace the lond mention of Commies with the word Terrorists, and blammo, that damned History thing, like a busted-ass record, repeats itself.